The Memory Remains
by mizperceived
Summary: Cloud decides its time to revisit the past to move forward. Cloud/Seph. Nothing graphic. This is a first attempt at something deep. Please read and review.
1. Verse 1

Disclaimer: I do not claim ownership over any characters that appear in this story. Nor ownership or rights to the song lyrics that appear. They belong to their respective owners.

AN: Ok, so... this is but isn't a songfic? Honestly I don't even know how to describe what it is. I heard this song and almost immediately "heard" Cloud screaming in my head to tell this story. (Mind you... I'm not a big fan of Cloud's *cowers in the corner*) Depending on how this is received, I may do the second verse as well.

**"Love The Way You Lie Part II"**  
By Rihanna

_On the first page of our story  
the future seemed so bright  
then this thing turned out so evil  
I don't know why I'm still surprised  
even angels have their wicked schemes  
and you take that to new extremes  
but you'll always be my hero  
even though you've lost your mind_

It was well past 2 am when Cloud walked into the back entrance to 7th Heaven. He knew that Tifa would still be in the front closing up the bar for the night and that was fine with him. He didn't want to have to deal with seeing anyone right now. He headed up the stairs to his office as silently as possible.

Today had been a rough day; it was the anniversary of the burning of Nibelheim. He knew he was an ass for blatantly ignoring Tifa on this day. She lost family and nearly her life there, but as each year passed it got harder for him to deal with, for an entirely different reason.

Cloud unlocked his office door and entered. He didn't bother turning on the overhead lights as the moonlight spilled over his desk was enough illumination for him. Quietly closing and locking himself in the room he shuffled over to his desk. Cloud started to peel away the layers of his clothing; removing his sword, the straps and harness that held the pieces. His shoulder guard was next, followed by his sweater. All laid in a trail from the door to his desk. Once he was only in his pants and socks did he sit down at the in rickety old chair in front of his desk.

With shaking hands, Cloud took out his keys from one of the pockets of his pants and unlocked the draws on the left side of his desk. Slowly he opened the bottom draw and moved around some papers and supplies that were haphazardly thrown in there and reached for a dull gray lockbox. Carefully he extracted the box from its resting place. It had been there, hidden for almost a year.

Pushing books and documents away to make a space on the desk, Cloud gingerly laid the box on his desk. Flipping through his keys, he grasped the one that would open the metal container. After he unlocked it, he pulled the key out and laid the key ring on his left side.

Cloud looked to his left and his right, almost as if he was expecting someone to sneak up on him. He knew that wouldn't happen. He made sure to lock his office door when he walked in, but still, he didn't want to lay himself bare for anyone to see.

Exhaling a breath he didn't know he was holding, Cloud lifted the lid and sat back. He scanned his eyes over the contents, cataloging that everything was still there. Leaning forward he pulled out a pink ribbon and a slight smile curved up on his lips. Aerith. That was a bittersweet memory but not the one he was looking to revisit tonight. He placed the ribbon back into the box and reached for the photos and letters that were wrapped in a black and silver cord. This is what he needed tonight. He avoided this for too long but needed to almost, purge his soul.

Cloud moved the box further away from him to make some more space on his desk. He carefully untied the cord from the stack of papers and began looking back into his past.

The very first picture was of him when he was only 10 years old. He was standing with his parents behind him. The genuine smiles that lit up their faces were infectious. Cloud remembered that day very well. Shinra and some of its top executives came to his town to talk about the reactor and what Shinra was going to do for them. It was the first time he ever saw him. His hero.

Sephiroth.

Cloud proceeded to look through the pictures, each one bring him back to the past and have the memories crash over him like a tidal wave. In between an a few snapshots of him and Zack small laminated cards slipped out, his SilverElite membership card. A wistful smile graced his face as his held the tiny rectangle in his hand.

Cloud put the snapshots aside. He shuffled through the letters and envelopes until he got to the one that he needed to examine. It was a matte black envelope that was large enough to hold paper unfolded. His name was written in fine silver ink on the front. He knew the handwriting as if it was his own.

Taking a deep breath, Cloud knew he had to open it this year. He had attempted to each year prior but always at the last minute something held him back. He didn't know exactly what it was that stopped him. Not sure if it was fear or anger, but he knew it was something bottled deep inside that he needed to release.

Sliding his index finger along the length, Cloud broke the envelope's seal and reached in to pull out the contents. Cloud pulled out a letter and some photographs. Putting the letter to the side he looked at the pictures remembering the private times they had together. Images Cloud thought were lost long ago looked back at him.

They were pictures of the private moments between him and his first love. Photos taken during the stolen moments the two shared. Photos Sephiroth had taken of the two together, in the field and in their rumpled bed. Cloud paused at the photo of them in bed. He remembered immediately the feel of those arms wrapped around him. The scent that enveloped him, how he felt safe and warm but mostly, loved. Cloud reverently stroked a finger down the image of his lover. How he missed those days.

Sighing, he put the pictures to the side for now and reached for the letter. He took great care unfolding it and smoothing the delicate paper. The handwriting was remarkable. Fluid and compact, strong yet had a certain flourish to it that even a school teacher would envy.

The letter was dated a week before Nibelheim.

"_My Darling Cloud_,"


	2. Verse 2

A/N: First, thank you to the reviewers (miaraith and SugarCubeChibi), and all those that put this story as a favorite and/or on alert. I hope I don't disappoint you with this installment. I have taken some liberties with the characters, the timeline; etc…

* * *

* * *

_Now there's gravel in our voices  
glass is shattered from the fight  
in this tug of war, you'll always win  
even when I'm right  
'cause you feed me fables from your hand  
with violent words and empty threats  
and it's sick that all these battles  
are what keeps me satisfied_

~September 0002~

Sephiroth leaned back against his black padded headboard ever so gently, taking care not to disturb the man sleeping next to him. Sephiroth reached towards his left and turn on his bedside lamp, causing the room to be flooded in a dim golden glow.

The SOLDIER readjusted his position as he moved a portable writing table over his lap. Taking a quick peek to his right to check that Cloud was still sleeping, he took a deep breath. He did not want to do this. He had to do this. The upcoming missions to retrieve two AWOL SOLDIERs, no former friends, would be risky. Even Sephiroth felt as if this was going to be a life changing event. Something in his very essence vibrated with nervous energy.

Recently ShinRa and the SOLDIER program had suffered many loses. There had been a recent mass defection in the ranks and two of their top SOLDIERS had gone missing and presumed to be traitors to the company. Sephiroth snorted at the idea. Angeal was no traitor; the man lived and breathed honor and loyalty. He was just wrong in his allegiance. Genesis on the other hand, well Sephiroth was glad that he was gone and hoped that he would stay gone. Unfortunately ShinRa didn't feel the same way and demanded that Angeal and Genesis be brought back, dead or alive.

Sephiroth sat there in his comfy bed, platinum colored satin sheets pooled around his hips as he contemplated the task ahead of him. The last letter he may ever write. It was a tradition as old as war itself. Men traveling far beyond their home to fight in wars they really didn't understand always wrote a last letter to be sent home, in case they never did make it back. Sephiroth never took part in this tradition. Not because he didn't want too, a part of him always did with some morbid curiosity. No, he never did this simply because he had no one to write too. Since his earliest memory, he understood what exactly a family was and was not. His "family" was a "was not". He knew nothing of his father and only his mother's name. He would constantly ask HoJo or really anyone that would listen for more information but none was forthcoming.

It was always a favorite way that HoJo tortured him during his visits. If Sephiroth behaved and excelled in whatever brutal tests they had for him, HoJo would tell him about his mother. Young Sephiroth fell for it each and every time. HoJo would always wait until the last moment and tell Sephiroth that he was a disappointment and failed and he would learn nothing.

Sephiroth shook his head, trying to shake the memory that his pensive thoughts stirred. Maybe that's why he clung to Angeal and Genesis once they arrived at ShinRa. He saw how the boys interacted with each other, and he wanted to experience something like that. No, he wanted to be part of their family.

Sighing, Sephiroth took a few sheets of crisp white paper and began writing.

_'My Darling Cloud,'_

He sat there for a moment, thinking. What exactly did he want to say to his young love? He knew everything there was about Cloud. His likes and dislikes, what life was like for him growing up, what he wanted in the future, everything. On the other hand, Cloud only knew what Sephiroth wanted him to know, and what the media let everyone know. Yes, Cloud knew he was loved and cherished but he knew nothing about what made Sephiroth into the man he loved and idolized.

Closing his eyes, Sephiroth reached out to Cloud with his right hand and slowly ran it through the blonde's hair. Cloud stirred and snuggled deeper into the caress.

"Please Goddess, let me come back so he never reads these words." He whispered into the stillness of the bedroom.

'_If you are given this then I have failed in my objective to the company but most importantly, I have failed you. I swore than as long as I lived I would keep you safe. That above all is what I wish for but if my death be the price for your life and safety, then I will gladly and most willingly lay upon Masamune. _

_I only wish that I could leave you with something more than mere words on a page. I would try to say that I would give you my heart, but you've had that for a long time; longer than I have ever let you be aware of. Sadly, where it is only words, I will endeavor to make the most of them with saying the most important thing I have ever and will ever say. I love you._

_There have been many questions and I chose to evade every single one of your questions, but the time has come and you do deserve answers._

_No Cloud, I do not know what my birthday is, nor do I know who my father is. I spent my childhood living in isolation and being observed. I only know that my mother's name was Jenova. She was said to be a beautiful woman, but I never saw a picture of her. I was informed that she died during childbirth. I guess my destiny was preordained. I came into this world with blood on my hands, the death of an innocent woman and I will eventually go to life stream with the blood of even more innocent people on my hands and conscious. War is filled with beautiful and grotesque carnage. _

_Zackary is learning that being a hero is not all there is. To be someone's hero, you must also be another person's villain._

_Professor Gast was my hero growing up, and in turn HoJo was the villain. I don't have many fond memories of my early youth. Most of the memories I do have include being subjected to rigorous experiments being done on my mental and physical stamina. There were days that I would not be fed or deprived of sleep, just to see how my body would react. Professor Gast, when he would make his infrequent appearances would be there to protect me. I honestly believe he thought what he did would help, but it would only infuriate HoJo and in turn his next round of testing on me would be harsher. But, thanks to Prof. Gast I first learned what a comforting and caring touch was. I sometimes wished that Prof. Gast was my father and he would take me away, but that never happened. _

_My teenage years were made somewhat easier. I was given my own apartment; it wasn't seemly to have the child killer of Wutai be living in a lab. I had my own privacy and for the first time on my own. I learned how to function by trial and error. When Hollander came to Midgar with Angeal and Genesis, I was more than elated. There were boys around my age that showed the same promise as me. I believe that you and Angeal would have enjoyed each other's company. He was a man of loyalty and honor; I see those qualities in you. The fact that only you and he could tolerate and handle Zackary is a positive. _

_Genesis on the other hand…~_

Sephiroth paused and looked up from the page he was writing on. **Genesis.** Just the name elicited a storm of emotions in him. Love, hate, fear and self-loathing to name a few. How to tell Cloud something that he, the mighty General of ShinRa, couldn't even say to himself? Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath. Cloud had rolled over sometime during his writing. His back was now facing the silver haired man and Sephiroth just stared at the sleeping form. Clenching his teeth hard, he bit back tears that were threatening to spill over. SOLDIERs didn't cry, but he was more than that, he was a man that had been used and broken by those he loved and he foolishly thought they loved him back.

Recovering himself, he went back to writing. Cloud deserved to know everything. Not just the gossip that still lingered years later. Running his fingers through his hair, Sephiroth thought about how to word the next part. He knew that no one would read this letter other than Cloud. He had approached Tseng earlier about it. Even though the man was Wutain and a Turk, there was a mutual respect. Tseng had lost someone in the battles of Wutai. He lost a comrade, a fellow Turk. His lover. Tseng understood the necessity of what Sephiroth was doing. Say everything before it's too late. Tseng had given him is vow that if the seemingly impossible happened, he would personally deliver the missive to Cloud and only him.

~present day~

Cloud laid the letter down on the desk and exhaled a deep breath. He ran his fingers through his spikes, slightly tugging on them. He learned over the passing years some of Sephiroth's beginnings but the way he talked about it in his letter was… disturbing. It was almost that clinical sort of way Sephiroth spoke on occasion.

ShinRa did it's best to keep certain secrets hidden but Cloud remembered the nights that Sephiroth woke up in a cold sweat, screaming out for someone or something to stop until Cloud was sure the General's throat was raw. When Cloud would try to soothe Sephiroth, he would flinch and pull away and not answer. Cloud never pressed him, maybe he should have Cloud thought. Should've, would've, could've.

Having a feeling that things were only going to get worse, Cloud pulled open the top draw to the desk and pulled out one of the flasks he confiscated from Reno. Opening the cap, he sniffed the contents. Whiskey. Cloud put the cold metal to his lips and tilted his head back to take a quick swallow. Not satisfied with the immediate result, he repeated the motion. He wiped his chin with the back of his right hand as he was screwing the cap back on. Instead of placing the flask into the draw, he left it on the desk as he hunched back over the letter. Holding it up with one hand as the other continually dragged through his hair.


End file.
